she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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