How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
