He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
