We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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