I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
