I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
