i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize