where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
