I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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