after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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