i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
