WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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