He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
