apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
