god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
