sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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