Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
