when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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