i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize