your room smells of hookers.
And success
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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