I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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