I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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