I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
