Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
