Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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