dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You made out with two different species that night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
