The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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