you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
