I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize