Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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