I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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