It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize