a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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