I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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