oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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