last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
