Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
