He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
