just survived the first fart of the relationship.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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