Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
