i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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