I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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