Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm like, not good at living.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
