shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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