apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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