There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
