I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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