From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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