You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
