Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
