shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
