You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
