it's too hot outside to masturbate.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
40s are totally the cure
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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