I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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