Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
