found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
