i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
this hospital has no fireball
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
