His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
