i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
