3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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