My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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