can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
